Two things have happened recently that make me realize I'm slowly losing running. Last week, I was almost a mile into my run and noticed that I didn't have my car key anywhere where it should be. I spent the next half hour of the run (time that should have been spent running) looking for the key, panicky that someone would steal my new car, cursing myself for not putting the key in the safety spot (in my sports bra). And having a slightly nervous breakdown afraid that it was a sign from above that I shouldn't/couldn't be doing this right now. Then I found it BY my car. Which gave me some hope.
Then on Sunday, I woke up - not really feeling it - but I went out anyway. And not even a mile in, I tripped over a rock and I lost it - my balance. I pride myself greatly that I have a great amount of balance - I can almost always catch myself before I fall (both literally & metaphorically). But something was different on this morning. I splayed onto the trail and caught myself with hands and elbows - which now means I have open wounds on the palms of my hands and I bruised my elbow bone. I told the cyclist and other runners on the path I was fine and then proceeded to bawl my eyes out as I walked away from them taking it as another sign - one that meant once again I'm not meant to be doing this right now.
As I nursed my wounds I had to face the fact that Running & I just haven't been getting along lately. It's not running's fault.
I should back up about 2 months. I was in a pretty severe car accident (by most people's standards). I mean my car was on its side, but I walked away with only a scratch, now a scar, (and my case of wine in tact), so I was okay with that. If anything I was annoyed at having to be carted away in an ambulance and the continuous paperwork that has followed because the accident WAS not my fault. My car - not so okay - which I still find it really hard to talk about - Ethel was a lifeline for me and not very easily replaced. The accident flared up some lingering issues I was having with my quad muscles and my lower back - things that were being fixed in physical therapy and then being tested out while I was in the beginning stages of training for the marathon. But after the accident it was just annoying & painful - because I was tired, slow, and it would take much longer for recovery in between runs. Not to mention I had to take about two weeks off after the crash. Then I got word that a job opportunity was on the horizon and I moved - which is what I've been waiting for - it's back to the place where I belong. But more derailment as it's impossible to train & move at the same time while trying to tie up all loose ends (not without making yourself crazy). And since moving, running has been sporadic and not fun. I made the hard decision to give up running the Philadelphia marathon this year and have since moved to do the half-marathon (which is going to be my most difficult yet because I don't know how my body will recover).
I feel that along with running, I've lost my rhythm and with it - my fitness. And it's a sort of depressing - when I think of how hard I've worked in the last year and how I was finally feeling healthy and good about what I was gaining. Just like that it's gone and I have to start over from scratch. Only now I have to start slower and it's aggravating, frustrating, and I'm trying to give myself time and be okay with not feeling up to par. I'm also sad to know that I don't have my Pilates & TRX instructors around anymore - they like my car, are not easily replaced.
The bright side of all this is that I know what I'm capable of doing and how I need to get there. Just as I started running five years ago & just as I upped my ante last year, I know that I will get there again - it just might be at a different pace. Often we find ourselves the victim of choices - the suck part is when it's not our choice and things happen beyond our control. But that's life. Although I am mad that someone's stupid choice catapulted me into my current situation - I know setback is only temporary. Because once you understand the value of something, despite the most extreme setbacks, determination will ensure you succeed.
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